Because laughter really is.... The Best Medicine

Hospital Cost Containment


To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide
security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber
revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds
will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing
duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital
grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling
the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring
equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance

The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and
security monitors as well as regular duties. Food service will
be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let
their families know to bring something or may make arrangements
with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones
will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as
for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment.
Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the
rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their
final bill. Time cards will be provided. As you can see on
the "from" line above, hospital administration is
assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot
be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you
walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower,
weed-whacker, etc.

Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to
the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books.
These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will
be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving
the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already
have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a
non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best
you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be acommodated by only
performing blood-related tests on patients who are already
bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no
more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the
turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be
provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised
to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.
Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour
processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any
extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.

In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has
been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored
and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or
lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on
each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees
are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize
this for antibiotic production. These will be available for
purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics
on our HMO's formulary.

~Author Unknown